dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
