Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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