So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
