the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
