We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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