at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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