And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
