Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
