Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
