remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
