I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
