I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
