part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
