Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
