Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
