Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
