I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
