If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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