im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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