Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
