Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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