I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
