bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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