you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
