I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
