Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
