Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
