I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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