just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
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In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
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He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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