I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
