dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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