Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
