If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
