if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
