My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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