I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
