Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
