Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
its liver damage thursday
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
