planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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