Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
