I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
