When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
