everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
