If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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