Don't make out with my wife yet
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
