How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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