My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
