better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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