Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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