My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
