On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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