Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Did I show you my penis last night?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
