Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Where is the hickey?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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