i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
