i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
