dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
