My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
