you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
