omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We had sex on a dog bed..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
