u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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